I don't want to add god's longest addition to the would you survive an apocalypse?' poll, but I do actually have an absolutely fallproof plan for the zombie apocalypse. It doesn’t matter what kind of zombies there are & it has exactly (2) steps:
1. Drive to the nearest National Trust proparty
2. win
This is the result of a very lengthy (and completely serious) discussion with my sister so let me break it down for you.
Benefit 1: EVERYTHING'S THERE
For those of you who don't live in the UK (or don't have parents with exactly 1 idea for a family trip ever), all National Trust proparties are broadly speaking exactly the same.
There's a big rich person's house & the courtyard is always converted into a little picnic area containing a combination gift shop/booking desk; a cafe and a secondhand bookshop. The gift shop has like a 60% chances to contain basic gardening tools and a little section for seeds & bulbs.
I won't list their standardised cafe menu (that I do in fact have memorised), but it's pretty good & more importantly most of it is made or at least finished on site. If they rationed, a small group could live off National Trust cornish pasties, scones & gift shop fudge for a month or two I think <3
Here's a list of things that are might be there but aren't 100% guaranteed:
- Kitchen garden
- Fish pond
- Livestock (usually chickens, sometimes pigs or bees)
- Medieval armour (fuck ya'll with guns but I would take a pike over having to worry about ammunition any day)
- Horses and functioning stable
- Forests cultivated for the purpose of deer hunting
John McRichman's gun/archery collection
- Lake
Benefit 2: FUCKING!! CASTLE!!
??? Where do I start???
1. These things are so easy to defend it's laughable.
I'm sure we all know about spiral staircases being designed to maximise cover for a right handed person during sieges but it's more than that ??? 18th century rich people loved to make their estates look as big, impressive & isolated as possible & they did this by surrounded their houses on all sides with several hundred metres of flat, open grass with thick trees on the edges to block out the horizon.
- Nothing can see you
- No loud noises will be within earshot of anything close to civilisation
- Any zombies that DO somehow show up can be picked off at a distance whether they know how to run or not
- Litterally there are so many little towers & secret rooms & shit how do you even manage to fuck up enough to die here like I would actually be impressed
- ALSO the edge of the estate is usually also walled off and/or fenced & gated, so there's no chance of anything wandering in by accident
2. All the older infrastructure is designed pre-electricity so you'll still be able to have a shower when the power grid inevitably explodes or something
3. You get to sleep in one of those huge 4-poster beds with all the fun embroidery and silk pillows
4. Idk the massive lawn can be converted into a farm if the apocalypse goes on long enough
Genuinely I think my quality of life would actually improve?? and that's just with what's already there - if there was time to pick up some supplies beforehand me & my buddies would just be hanging out. literally what apocalypse im eating scones xoxo